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Becky Barrett http://www.sse.org.uk/people/becky.barrett
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D.O.B. 16 July 1971 Journey To Somewhere Else
A glimpse of depression in rhyme
Have I always been depressed? Who knows? Certainly many of the characteristics I’m struggling with now have been with me from a very young age – lack of confidence, low self esteem, feelings of inadequacy. Whatever the answer I spent a couple of months feeling sad and angry before I realised something big was happening to me. But on the face of it I’m ‘normal’, vivacious, sociable, happy, hopeful and positive. Friends might say I have it all, a loving husband, beautiful house, worthwhile job. Sometimes I wonder if depression just caught up with me in the end. So here I am dealing with it, learning to live with it, facing fears and insecurities on a daily basis. I know everyone has them but for me they feel so much larger than life that it’s sometimes difficult to confront them let alone overcome them. Apart from family and friends, my saving grace has been poetry. Until the depression I’d written one poem in my lifetime, a mother’s day verse at school. So, imagine my suprise when I sit down to write an email and out come some feelings in the shape of what looks like it might be a poem. It appears to be a poem, but what constitutes a poem, I have no idea? It rhymes though. What made me write those first three words, ‘a blank canvas’, I really don’t know but it proved to be the start of my big journey and provided me with some much-needed therapy along the way. Why do I want to share my poems? After all it’s a very personal journey isn’t it? It is, but I also find comfort in sharing my feelings and since my poems reflect my feelings, it helps to share my poems and who knows, it might help others too. So here’s my journey in rhyme. It’s a bumpy one as you might imagine but there are glimmers of hope which I hang on to and really life’s not all bad.
Becky's Poetry Journal November 2002
A Blank Canvas A blank canvas, if only it wasWith clean brushes to dust off the mothsWe can paint over the past, but it’s just a disguiseIt’ll all still be there when we open our eyesSo all we can do is do what we canTo live life to the full and be better menAnd I hope when I pass that people will seeThat whatever I painted was a reflection of me Comfort What’s the matterWhat’s wrongWhat have I doneIt goes on and on If only they wereTo stop and thinkTo listen and realiseI just need a drink In the absence of youIt’s all that I’ve gotTo share my emotionsConsider my lot When you returnI’ll put my glass downAnd ask if you’ll helpTo erase my frown And with love and supportI can get through this timeSo that then, both togetherWe really can shine Church A system, a regimeReserved for eliteOr a safe, secure placeTo rest weary feet Tradition, attireA right to preachOr a helping handCaring people to meet Church is an ethosIt stems from the soulIt welcomes all kindsNo matter their role For me, it is guidanceThat one spirit drivesA desire to do goodHelp improve others’ lives A sense of fulfilmentA feeling of worthA reason for beingOn this beautiful earth
December 2002
Struggle When my reasoning’s unfoundedMy perspective’s gone adriftIt’s the things some take for grantedReassurance that I miss When I question my existenceMy strength to persevereIt’s the knowledge that you’re with meThat gets me through my fear When my outlook’s less than rosyMy confidence in shattersIt’s your support, your faith in meYour love that really matters So don’t give up on what might seemA battle you can’t winIt’s one I’m fighting on my ownFighting from within
January 2003
Clouds I sit up high upon my cloudAnd know it isn’t realBut looking out on planet earthIt seems a better deal From here I can survey the worldAnd analyse what’s wrongA safe and peaceful havenBut not where I belong It’s difficult to contemplateA life without depressionI know my place is here on earthBut really, this is heaven For What It’s Worth Best intentionsA heart of goldFor what it’s worthFor what it’s worth A grounded senseUnselfish goalsFor what it’s worthFor what it’s worth A loving natureAnd helpful soulFor what it’s worthFor what it’s worth Tell me thoughWhat am I worth?What am I worth? Escape Is it me that you loveOr the idea of meCould it be you’re just frightened to beOn your own for a bitWhile you search for the oneTo share your kind soul with Maze Is it a crisis?Is it a phase?Will I ever be freeOf this emotional maze? Smile Waves of sadnessDays of gloomI sit and waitFor it all to loom And while I waitAll is numbIt’s all I can doTo twiddle my thumb Not restless nor boredBut lacking esteemFor the things on whichI was always so keen I long for the timeThat my life will changeFor my smile to returnSo I can live again
February 2003
Anywhere But Here Bathing in the bluest oceanSipping cocktails in the sunChilling in a music havenAlways on the run Lying in a field of daisiesStudying the skyPulling pictures from the cloudsWith time to wonder why Walking in the pouring rainJumping over puddlesSkimming stones across a streamAnd with them, all life’s muddles Places I would rather beAnd places I hold dearIt’s true to say I’d give anythingTo be anywhere but here Perfect World There’s a frustration in meThat doesn’t deserveTo be part of a notionOr part of a verseIt’s a whirlwind ideaThat we all want to liveIn a world free of poverty and warThat we treasure the presentAnd welcome new daysAnd that none of us wants for no more
March 2003
Headspin You can’t winMy head’s in a spinWhatever you say I’ll dismissAll you can offerThat’ll do any goodIs your love, a hug and a kiss If Only If only I were someone elseIf only I were freeIf only I were some place elseAnd that I wasn’t me
April 2003 (started taking anti-depressants, Cipramil)
New Day For the first time in a long timeI feel like I’m aliveThe world’s a whole lot brighterI’ve finally arrived For the first time in a long timeThere’s colour in my lifeSome hope, determinationWelcomed glimmers of light I’ve got everything to live forSo much I want to doI know there’ll still be hard timesBut I’m gonna see it through Hope A glow, fresh startA beaming smileA sense of funIt’s been a whileThe drugs do wonders but shade what liesBeneath the laughter, deep insideA struggle, frustrations, to be resolvedThe key must be to not let goTo not lose sight, to see it throughTo be happy and live my life to the full
May 2003
Lost Soul Why did you ignore himFail to see his plightChoose not to support himOr help him win his fight Polite, apologeticHe puts across his pleeA world of cold and miseryHe simply wants to flee You cast silent aspersionsMake judgements on his ‘show’Turn your back and fail to seeA soul you may well know
June 2003
Release With fragile heartAnd tortured soulI’m holding onTo what I know For now it’s withThe time I’ll bideUnclear how greenThe other side With angst I dreamOf what might beIf ever, I decide to flee To lose myself In a mindful searchOf self fulfilmentAnd an inner church Beneath my guardianAngel’s wingI’d flyAnd from my heart, I’d sing My playful soulWould be releasedMy heart and mindAt last at peace So now it’s justFor time I waitAs I sit and wonderWhat be my fate
July 2003
Armour I used to have a bubbleTo shield me from my fearsProtect me from my enemiesAs I drifted through my years Too much still I’d worryAnd too much still I’d doBut at least I had my bubbleThe world could not get through My fragile shield grew with meAs I continued to exploreTil pressure to avoid failureMeant my bubble was no more So vulnerable without itI’m falling to the groundTrying to get from A to BBut going round and round I need a lift, a new defenceSo me I can just beAnd be assured if all else failsMy bubble’s there for me I Was Just Thinking . . . So much time I spendPondering on my lifeWondering what you’re thinkingThinking if I’m right Worrying about the weatherAnd what I’m going to wearIf you think I look okThinking that you care Bothered by inbalanceOf care within our raceScared to make a standOf losing all my faith Disheartened by agressionAnd those who hold it dearThinking how to change themTo release the world from fear Wishing money had no roleIn the modern ageWishing I was strong enoughTo do without a wage What are you all thinkingAs you make your way through lifeDo you think as much as meAnd does it cause you strife With so much to resolve on earthI need to use my brainTo come up with an answerTo free the world of pain If only I could change my mindWhat difference could I makeIf I swapped my thoughts for actionsCould I change somebody’s fate But if less time I spent thinkingWhat would I think ofWhat would I be doingWould it ever be enough . . . My Turn To Be Me? To be who I amIt seems I must fightBut what if I lack The courage and might If I flee from occasionsWhere folk appear strongWill I lose preservationWill I be in the wrong Avoid confrontationHold opinions so closeTo my chest will I fadeBefore it’s my time to host An occasion which gives meThe strength to believeIn myself and to alterWhat others perceive Where my instinct is soThat I’m happy to beIn the limelight enjoying And just being me Beyond here I head for the horizonAnd into the unknownAn expanse of opportunityI no longer feel alone The fields reflect enlightenmentThe sky a ray of hopeThe river’s there to guide meThe raft, keep me afloat The trees offer serenityThe flowers a sense of homeThe birds are my new familyIt’s with me they have flown The sun shines bright beyondBut over me’s a cloudCover me and stay with meTil the day I can feel proud
August 2003
Diagnosis Depression my girlThat’s what is upTake a prescriptionIt’ll soon cheer you up Assign you a therapistWork on your soulIn no time at allYou’ll think like us all Take pride in being selfishAlways aim highCare less about thoseWho you walk right on by But it’s all so unnaturalI like being meShould I really forsake itAnd risk being free Am I even that illCould you ever conceiveIt’s the rest of the nationWho aren’t at their ease Soul Mate Something you havePulls at my heartLights up my soulKeeps us apart Driven by laughterEmbroiled in a worldThat doubts the strengthOf those it has hurled Down a road of complexityAn avenue of fearAt least I have comfortIn knowing you’re here Drawn to your natureOf selfess approachAnd wide-eyed desireTo cause mischief and throw Rules out the windowForce locks off of doorsFreeing our mindsIn search of a cure To change those perceptionsThat damage and harmThe progress we’ve madeIn finding some calm In a sea of uncertaintyOur minds always meetIn a pool of emotionLifting us from our feet Your being inspires meBrings light to my eyesChanges my outlookRids me of disguise You keep me from wonderingWhat virtue I holdWhat impact I haveIn a difficult world The times that we spendAre treasured insideProviding a shieldAs the rough waves I ride A smile that speaks volumesIn you I’ll confideYou’re a friend I’m so proud ofAnd who’s changed my whole life
September - October 2003
Olives and Wine Olives and wineUnder a fine blue skyThe Tuscan hills surroundAs we take in the sunAnd dream of a timeWe can relish this all year round Flight I’m gliding through what appearsTo be a plane of snowWith azure blue aboveAnd azure blue belowThe sun’s bright raysFlood my pathIt’s another world out thereBut one which so reminds meOf the pistes of Val D’Isere Knowing You know when you knowYou’ve been dealt a good handAnd the love that you’ve foundForever will stand You know when you knowYou want the same thingsThat where you’re both headingIs far from a whim You know when you knowYou’ll get through the hard timesCloser than everAnd stronger in mind You know when you knowYou’ve arrived at the placeYou always imaginedWould fade without trace So now we’re both hereCan together we growAnd share in the comfortOf knowing we know Dreaming Let’s leave the life we left behindFor this blissful temporary sceneLet’s set up hereIn the Tuscan hillsAnd swap the blue for green Blue Water What’s the pleasureOf immersing your feetIn a pool of ice cold blueIs it the sunThat beats down on your faceAs you enjoy the refreshing hueIs it the bubblesThat dance on the wavesThat you make as you move through the seaFor me it’s a momentTo wonder at natureAnd a moment to feel truly free
November 2003
Running Scared I don’t feel safe I feel exposed It’s not a challenge To which I rose I curl up likeA child of fiveI want to runTo run and hide No one’s comingI thought they wouldJust goes to showIt’s all no good So many tearsThere are no moreIf no-ones lookingI can do no more I struggle onWhile no-one seesMy inner turmoilI’m on my knees Praying someonePrays for meSqueezes my handStays with me But do I waitIn deepest angstTil fear subsidesAnd I climb the ranks Or do I settleIn this newer realmAnd turn my backFor future calm I’m in the midstOf two great planesThe one for meWill release this pain
December 2003
Off Course What went wrongWhat d’I doWhy’d we fightAre we through Why am I sadWhen all I wantIs to stick aroundAnd have some fun A moment lostI can’t recallWhy we chose to fightTo miss it all To you it’s angerTo me dismayFrustration at whyIt is this way What happens whenConfusion reignsWires crossAnd hatred gains The upper groundOn what should beTwo minds fullOf love and glee When all I knowIs to run to the edgeAnd all I wantConflicts with my pledge To be with youTil the clouds draw closeThe horizon nearsAnd what matters most Are the times we smiledYou held me tightAnd promised alwaysTo carry my light The Big Jump Oh to haveThe guts to jumpFrom somewhere highBut beautifulSo before I dieI can see it all The good stuff’d flashBefore my eyesThe crap I’d welcomeLeave behind I’d hesitate notTo enter a worldFilled with love for meAnd all that I may beAnd lets me beThat way for me
January - February 2004
Having too much fun to write – doing a lot of snowboarding.
March - June 2004
Struggling on the work front, just can’t go in – signed off for few months. Figuring out how to work and be happy.
July 2004
Nothing Nothing, a voidNo purpose, no planNo feeling, no movementNo clue who I am No hope, no smileNo feelings of joyJust pain, confusionAnd time to cry
July – August 2004
Trying to get better sometimes thinking I am.
September 2004
Start a new job. Back in Cambridge at last. It’s good for a few months.
January - February 2005
Sometimes feeling better but work isn’t working for me!
March 2005
Left work again! Finding it pointless and have opportunity to start a new, different route so take it and run!Feel better for it but still face hurdles around confidence, self esteem and image.
April 2005
Loving this new era! Feeling balanced and in control at last.
May 2005
Where have you been? It’s a journey with a differenceA place you cannot touchYou can to and fro or stay a whileBut nothing happens much The weather’s unpredictableJust like here at homeThere’s sun and rain and cloud and someBut it’s in another zone Nothing like a holidayIn fact I need one nowMy journey’s been a constant slugOf who and what and how But to travel to another planeOff the beaten trackHas been a great adventureTho I’m not sure I’ll go back
July 2005
Finally managed to get off the anti-depressants – never again!!!!
August 2005
Untitled Everything’s blissMy soul feels sereneThe occasional struggleBut mostly I’m cleanOf the turmoil my mindIs constantly inAs I’m learning to liveTo try and fit inThen when I’m not lookingMy fears re-appearAnd dare me to fightTo not disappearThey want to confront meTo test my reserveIt’s all I can doTo not lose my nerveWhen they serve to remind meOf the pain I forgotIt’s hardly surprisingMy heart’s in a knotThat I’m scared to untangleAs it slowly revealsAnother onslaughtOf feelings time healedEvery new battleBreaks me apartCauses confusionEats at my heartIt’s times like thisThat I want to give inTo the voice that’ll lead toThe world’s biggest sinTo take my own lifeAnd drown this huge messOf emotions, self-hatredAnd all this detestIt makes perfect senseI’m a burden to bareWhy should those closeHave to prove that they care? Untitled Everything’s blissMy soul feels sereneThe occasional struggleBut mostly I’m cleanOf the turmoil my mindIs constantly inAs I’m learning to liveTo try and fit inThen when I’m not lookingMy fears re-appearAnd dare me to fightTo not disappearThey want to confront meTo test my reserveIt’s all I can doTo not lose my nerveWhen they serve to remind meOf the pain I forgotIt’s hardly surprisingMy heart’s in a knotThat I’m scared to untangleAs it slowly revealsAnother onslaughtOf feelings time healedEvery new battleBreaks me apartCauses confusionEats at my heartIt’s times like thisThat I want to give inTo the voice that’ll lead toThe world’s biggest sinTo take my own lifeAnd drown this huge messOf emotions, self-hatredAnd all this detestIt makes perfect senseI’m a burden to bareWhy should those closeHave to prove that they care? Untitled Analysing, dramatisingChallenge everythingParanoia, discontentFear and overthink Self-hurt and shear detestEmotions running riotHighs, lows, a manic mindAll wallow in unquiet Untitled You think you know bestBut you’re not in my headSo how could you possibly knowThat ignoring my tearsWill help me snap outOf places that you’ll never goThe desired effect passes me byAnd now my fears are flowingAs I’m driven to insanityWithout you even knowing END.
All of the written work on this page is © Copyright Becky Barrett 2002-2006 all rights reserved
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